BAPTIZE

My eighth-grade science teacher, Mr. Ginzer, insisted his students know one piece of information, water is the universal solvent. Thirty years later, staring at the ocean abyss in front of me, it finally makes sense why he repetitiously beat that overly simplified slogan into our heads. Ginzer knew, at some point, we would all need to wash away a lifetime of bullshit. God rest his soul.

My time to cleanse had come. The water was calling me. If I couldn’t outrun my sins, I’d try to wash myself of them.

I slipped out of my running shoes and socks and removed my t-shirt. Leaving my personal effects in a pile, I moved toward the surf. The cold ocean water intensifies my hesitation. I knew I needed to wash myself of myself but letting go was hard. The first step toward salvation was the most difficult.

…

As the pastor asked, “Who among you will accept our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, into your heart today?” Bill aggressively nudged the side of my leg. I looked up at him, and he nodded, suggesting I go visit the preacher man standing in front of the congregation.

My body stiffened in défiance. Bill leaned over and whispered in my ear, reminding me I was dirty. “Dirty little boys go to Hell,” he says. I knew I was old enough to know better; naivety wouldn’t help. There was no saving myself. According to Bill, only the pastor’s clean water and God’s grace could save me from what I had done, what I made him do.

I reach for Bill’s hand, and he pulls it away. “You gotta go alone,” he whispers.

…

Bill was correct; I was responsible for my transformation. Not him, the preacher, or Mama. I waded further from the shore. Reaching chest-deep water, I close my eyes, and submerge myself under the salty water, separating child from parents, Bill from Billy, and self from Self.I stay underwater until I can no longer breathe. I as I reemerge, I inhale deeply, affirming my will to live. I am still me, only slightly more at peace with all that is. I make my way back to running shoes. With shoes on my feet, I run home—everything is in its right place.

THE END.

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